Heart's War
by Allieapplesauce
Summary: Scully has just been attacked by Padgett's true-to-life character and must find a way to deal with her emotions.


Title: Hearts War Post-Milagro

Author: SkepticalScully

Spoilers: Milagro

Summary: Scully has just been attacked by Padgett's true-to-life character and must find a way to deal with her emotions.

After the detectives had gone, Mulder returned to Scully. "Are you okay, Scully?"

Scully's hands were wrapped around a mug of coffee. "I feel better now, thank you." She adverted her eyes from Mulder's gaze.

Mulder sat down at the small kitchen table next to her. "I think you should talk to someone."

Scully shook her head. "No, I'll be okay." She looked at him.

Mulder knew not to approach the subject any further. "You should get some sleep then. I'll take you home."

Scully nodded dismally and stood. Mulder handed her her jacket and followed her silently out of the apartment.

Most of the ride to Scully's apartment was driven in silence, with Scully staring out the window.

Mulder's hands were vice-grips on the steering wheel as he stared straight ahead at the road before him, glancing occasionally at his partner.

When they reached her apartment, Mulder followed her to her door and entered behind her. He felt out of place this time. He didn't know what to say to assure her, to get her to open up to him. Her silence worried him.

Scully shrugged off her coat and left it draped over the back of the armchair. "Thanks for the ride home, Mulder."

Mulder stood facing her from several feet away, his hands in his pockets. "Anything you need, Scully?"

She shook her head.

Mulder looked around for a moment. "Then I guess I'll go. Unless you want me to say?"

Scully answered, but her eyes were on the couch. "I'll be okay," she repeated. "I'd rather be by myself for a while if you don't mind."

Mulder wanted to stay but he had to respect her choice. "Okay. I'll be at home."

Then, not really knowing what else to do for her, he took a step forward and gave her a gentle hug, kissing her forehead; stepped back. He squeezed her arm, then turned and left.

xxx

"Dana, the feelings you're having does not mean that you're weak. You're only as week as you allow yourself to be, and I can see from your account of past events that you commend yourself on being a very strong independent woman. And in your line of work, there are bound to be situations that are going to test your strengths- physically as well as emotionally."

Scully sat on a black faux-leather couch and stared at the bookshelf from across the room. "I didn't believe…that it was possible, but how can I deny what I saw? I-I thought that I could deny what is was that I saw, and that if I could, it couldn't be true."

"Your background in science makes it hard for you to accept many of the things you've seen. It's reasonable that you'd be quick to dismiss these…happenings as imagined, especially when you can't use your science to rationalize your feelings. You've just been through a very traumatic experience. It's natural to want to put aside your emotions, but it's not healthy to keep them inside for too long.

"Tell me, Dana, why it is you're here."

"He thought that it would be good for me to talk to you."

"Your partner?"

"Yes. I know that he is worried about me because…well, it's not easy for me to speak about my feelings."

"You wanted to ease his worries about your well-being. But, Dana, the first part of that is to speak about the feelings that you're having so that he doesn't have to worry."

"I know."

"How do you feel, Dana?"

"I feel…confused. Scared."

"Scared that it will happen again?"

There was a pause before Scully spoke. "I believe it won't happen again. I'm not afraid of that."

"What is it that you're afraid of, Dana?"

"Honestly, I don't know."

"Before you can go any further, you have to figure out your fear; come to terms with it."

"I think…I'm afraid of the possibilities – that there are events out there that can't be explained by science…I've been trained to believe that there's a reasonable scientific explanation for everything, and that which can't be proven cannot exist."

"And you're wrestling with the realization that that isn't true."

"I've been – I have been for a long time, I just kept telling myself that I just hadn't figured it out yet."

"Have you?"

"No…well-"

"Take your time."

"Mulder believes in extreme possibilities…I never disbelieved or distrusted what it was that he saw…deep down I actually think I did believe what he saw was true, but I'd gotten good at forcing myself not to…in my mind – whether I said so or not."

"Do you still feel that way today, Dana?"

"I think I need to admit to myself first that some things just are, and there's no reason for their existing – at least no reasons that anyone has been able to prove yet."

"Science is a very powerful tool hanging over you, that I see very clearly. You're on the right track, Dana. Admittance is the first step. You've already realized that you depend too heavily on your science – it seems that this is where you focus your control and your strength. You feel weak when you can't base your experiences on science. Is this how you feel?"

"I've tried to pace myself and I think I've gotten better at it. I've opened my mind to more…extreme possibilities…but there are still some things I just can't let go as easily."

"Well, I think you've gotten a good start, Dana. I think once you work through this recent experience, it may be easier for you to approach other conflicts you've felt were hard to understand – whether these are past experiences or ones that you may undoubtedly experience in the future."

"I think you're right."

"Can you tell me, Dana, what you think might help you with this Phillip Padgett case?"

Scully was silent a moment as she pondered the question. "I think I will talk to Mulder. Maybe I won't get to tell him everything, but maybe a start will open up a path of communication."

"You feel that you can confide in your partner."

"I feel like I can tell Mulder anything. I think our relationship is very close and strong – the strongest I've ever had. He understands me and why I shut him out some times…I think maybe if I find the courage to start, I'll be okay."

"I think you've made a great deal of progress today, Dana."

"Thank you."

"You were afraid to come here, but you took that step. How do you feel?"

"I feel better. Less confused. I know that there are limits. I have to remember that."

"You know, showing you're feelings isn't a sign of weakness but a sign of strength."

"I think I realize that now."

A buzzer went off on the table.

"The hour's up. Do you have any last questions or comments, Dana?"

Scully shook her head, stood, shook hands. "Thank you for listening."

"It's been my pleasure. Please come back any time you feel the need."

Scully said goodbye; left the office.

xxx

There was a knock at the door. The knock was unmistakably Scully's. Mulder opened the door. "Hey, Scully."

Scully stood beyond the threshold. "Can I come in, Mulder?"

Mulder placed his hand on Scully's shoulder and pulled her through the door. "What's up, Scully?"

"I thought maybe we could talk."

Mulder looked at her briefly. "You want to talk? You feeling okay, Scully?"

Scully stepped out from under his arm to look at him more squarely. "Yeah, but only on one condition: you never ask me how I feel again."

Mulder nodded knowingly and his eyes grinned. He replaced his arm over her shoulder, kicked the door shut with his foot, and marched Scully towards the couch.


End file.
